Coffee Shops

You may not have noticed… but coffee shops have become insanely popular in the last few years… Movies like “You’ve Got Mail” and crap like that have brought the small bookstores and coffee shops back into the stylish crowd. Now I have to ask myself a few questions… Why do the stereotypical American morons feel that they have the right to invade stores such as Borders, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, and all of the smaller versions of the above mentioned locations?

Upon attempting to create an equation to solve this by, I became frustrated.

Moron + Coffee + Books == NO

First off, these people cannot read. How many times do you have to sit in a class, or some other public activity, and wait for what seems like hours for some illiterate genius to studder over a few sentences. Second, since when did all of these people acquire the money to spend $5 on a coffee? It never ceases to amaze me how ghettos around here still contain thriving coffee shops. Newsflash: The truely rich stopped driving to Ferguson and other high crime areas long ago.

To combat this problem, I am considering my own coffee shop. Here are the requirements to get in (you must only meet one):

1) You must have an IQ of over 150 (140 is negotiable if you can prove your self-worth… 139: TOO BAD!)

2) You must have a net income of over $100,000 dollars a year. If you aren’t smart, you must at least be successful.

3) You are well read. Anne Rice, John Grisham, Assorted Pop Fiction: Sorry. We don’t accept this kind of crap. The first time you are caught uttering something from one of these horrid collections, you will be torn limb from limb.

This would be a real coffee shop. Also, we wouldn’t sell any of that trendy cappucino crap either. It would be straight coffee and maybe some hot chocolate from time to time. That would be about it. This place is built upon intelligence not some crappy machine that spews nine flavors of the newest “Premium Blends.” The places where the best discussion occurs often sport nothing but black coffee where the filter has been reused all day.

As for group reading. I am considering some Catch 22, Slaughterhouse 5, and depressive stuff like that. If it is uplifting, I will uplift you from your chair and help you find the door. We don’t want that crap here. As for the reading ability, I can understand some trouble from time to time. We all have our days, and even I stumble over words. However, sometimes enough is enough. If my deceased dog can read better than you, you have a problem. I will be happy to call SYLVAN they have a learning center for people like you.

As for debates: this is sad people. Would you like to know how I can tell there is no intelligence in this area? I recently participated in a debate. At the beginning of the class period, the vote was 4-18 against me. The 55 minute duration of the class was alotted for debate, and at the end another poll was taken. The results were 19-3. Let us discuss the problem here. I, however smart I am, should not be able to sway an entire HONORS class in fifty five minutes. Now, granted this is high school. However, these children are reflections of their parents, meaning the intelligence of their parents cannot be much higher.

In my coffee shop, if you debate and lose this miserably. You will be escorted from the premises and I will pray that you walk yourself into oncoming traffic. If you cannot support what you believe, you should not exist. Even though democrats are sadly mistaken, they still have reasons for these misconceptions.

I am not dissing coffee shops or anything, simply the people who believe they are making themselves cooler by attending them. Coffee shops don’t give some kind of magical +5 bonus to your IQ. I mean I guess they can be cool and relaxing, but it just seems like I would be happier sitting by my fireplace reading or debating with people who I know have intelligence, instead of some random crackpot at the nearest Starbucks.

Bottom line people: If you aren’t smart. Don’t try. Reading is not trendy, reading is not cool. If you choose to read, it it because you like it. No matter how long you spend in a book, or how long you spend at a coffee shop, you cannot make yourselves smart.