Alone in my Head

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These are the often ridiculous fragments that made up (some of) my thought process while driving back to KC today:

How much I love the phrase “Christmas Miracle” and the fact that my officemate is bringing it back. Wondered what my sister was up to at OBU. Compared my current route to the drive from St. Louis to Champaign. Thought how retarded it was to have a “tiger tail” hanging out of your trunk. Cursed Mizzou. Cursed Missouri drivers who insist on driving BELOW the freaking speed limit in the left lane. Praised my driving skills for avoiding a potential accident. Thought about the terrible accident I saw on 270 last night.  Weighed the pros and cons of listening to playlists versus full albums. Decided playlists only had a potential advantage during long drives, but in the end still sided with albums. Remembered how much I love the blues guitar line that Ryan Adams plays in “Hotel Chelsea Nights.” Remember Pat’s recent blog entry about the “Stars Go Blue” part of Ryan Adams’ live show. Thought about how I should just buy Pat and I tickets to the KC stop of his tour as an early birthday present. Questioned whether I needed to call it an early birthday present, or just a random act of friendship. Laughed to myself about Jen’s reaction to me telling her of Pat and I sitting on the back deck of CCH drinking beer. Agreed with Ross that it would only have been better if the beer had been Natty Light. Fondly remembered the gas station I always stop at in Kingdom City when I take 70-W. Put myself into my self-created reality where my dreams and aspirations are actually carried out. Reminded myself that it was stupid to entertain this reality, then quickly constructed an alternate, just as delusional, narrative for my life. Imagined this reality coinciding with lines from a song by The Gaslight Anthem. Became frustrated with God for his lack of response to a prayer I had. Reminded myself that although God was big enough handle being questioned, I was, in fact, being a baby. Thought about how selfish I have been in the past. Prayed that I would learn to consistently live my life thinking of others needs first. Admired the guitar solo near the end of “Lord I’m Discouraged.” Thought about how I believe Shane and Shane are overrated. Praised God that I went to a church where people liked good music. Attempted to make a list of things I needed to do once I got back to the apartment. Became excited at the prospect of getting to read more of For Whom The Bell Tolls. Wondered when I would return to Warrensburg. Tried to count the number of deaths/murders that occur throughout The Hold Steady’s albums. Decided the number was between four and sevent depending on how many of the songs referred to the same event. Reminded myself how much I love the Carter family. Wished I was talented enough to text and drive at the same time. Considered putting my sunglasses over my glasses since it was so bright. Felt ashamed that I even entertained the previous idea. Thought about the breed of dog I would like to adopt. Marveled at the fact that I thought someone might be interested in the scatterbrained thoughts that run through my head. Remembered how different I perceived the highway on my first trip to Garmin last October.

Goodbye Manny

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In my life, there are three things that have dominated my thoughts literally since I can remember. These subject matters ignite conversations inside my head which last for days. I have made myself a student of all of these activities, and consider them each to be stunningly, breathtakingly, beautiful. Many times I have argued passionately for these causes, even to the point of damaging relationships. God, baseball, and fishing are pillars in my life—irrepressible truths that I have always pursued.

In October 1999, I was lost. I knew that baseball was beautiful. I followed the game intensely. However, I hated my home team. I hated the direction the Cardinals were moving. See, I valued pitching, and the Cardinals had none. Ken Bottenfield should never have to be considered an ace in any lineup. Ever. The playoffs were happening, and I had no team to root for.

This was made more obvious to me when my eighth grade social studies teacher, another disciple of the game, asked me who I was cheering for. I told him that I did not have a team. I confessed that I held an irreparable animosity towards the Cardinals, and I was without allegiance. We then discussed the results of the Cleveland/Boston series we were both following that year. I left school that day determined to fall in love with one of these teams.

Frankly, I was leaning towards the Indians. I had cheered for them a couple of years ago, when they played the Marlins in the Series. I also really liked this kid named Manny Ramirez. He was an RBI machine, and he had one of the best swings I had ever seen (Griffey not included). He had knocked in 165 runners that year. That still stands as the only time a player has hit more than 160 RBIs in a season since 1938.

On the other hand, the Sox had Pedro. Pedro Martinez was the most dominant pitcher in the game. That season, he had struck out 313 batters, while keeping his ERA down to a minimal 2.07. He would eventually win the Cy Young Award for his efforts that year (and come in number two in MVP voting). Unfortunately for the team, Pedro was not going to be starting that night, and I was not going to be patient. The decision had to be made immediately.

The game started in a flurry. By the end of the third inning, the score was 8-7 Indians. It seemed like the slugfest would continue, with both starters out of the game. Then, my world changed. Pedro Martinez walked out of the bullpen, and everything stopped. Was this happening? How long could he go? Pedro Martinez proceeded to throw six no hit innings. This against a team which had scored over 1000 runs that season (best in the majors). The Cleveland Indians had four players with over 100 RBIs that year. In my eyes, Pedro Martinez was the greatest man on earth. His pitches were perfection, a work of art. I reached my decision.

I came into class the next day, and just looked at Mr. Eaton in disbelief. We both knew what we were thinking about. I’m not sure we ever really analyzed the game, just a couple of sentences.

“Some game last night.”
“Incredible.”

Then it was back to learning about the Oregon Trail.

That year I became a believer in the Boston Red Sox. I have followed them feverishly ever since. There had been a contest, and in the end, as is always the case, dominant pitching won. It seemed that Manny and I had taken separate paths.

Luckily, my heart would not be conflicted for long. In the offseason before 2001, Manny Ramirez signed an 8 year contract with the Boston Red Sox. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. My favorite hitter had teamed up with the greatest pitcher.

The Sox continued to improve over the next few years. In 2003, I watched every second of one of the greatest series’ I have ever witnessed. I laughed when Pedro rolled Don Zimmer to the ground during the brawl; I couldn’t sleep the night before game seven. When Aaron @!)#(*@!#()ing Boone hit that ball over the monster, I was crushed. Crushed isn’t a strong enough word. I was void of everything. I felt like I would throw up. I chucked my hat against the wall, and went to bed. My friends (I’m amazed I had any at this point.) sat awkwardly in my living room, wondering if this was some grand theatrics. Would I return from my room? I didn’t.

In 2004, the Red Sox weren’t messing around. They brought in Curt Schilling with the sole purpose of creating a one-two punch strong enough to crush the Yankees. It’s funny, because throughout that entire season, there was no doubt who we would face in the postseason. Then it happened.

I watched game one by myself. Game two was spent in the lobby of Andy’s residence hall. After the game (we lost), I sat on the bus ride facing a girl in a pink Yankees hat. That was worse than the game. Game three was on my couch at home. It was a Saturday night, and I had come home for the weekend. The game was unwatchable.

<me flipping through the channels>
<stop at animal planet> I hate animals!
<stop at MTV> I hate this band!
<stop at food network> Who the @!@# watches this?!
<stop at some political show> I hope that fool dies!
Mom: You don’t have to watch tv.
Me: shut up!
<flips back to Sox game to watch as long as I could bear> I hate Gay-Rod!

Game four was on as soon as I got back to campus. Then my roommate committed the only unforgivable act that has ever been directed against me. He asked me if he could turn off the TV, so he could go to bed! Are you freaking kidding me? We’re in the extra innings of an elimination game! I went to Sagar’s room. Ortiz home run! I erupt!

Joe Buck (at 1:22am): We’ll see you later today!

That night I did not close my eyes. We’re back in this… we’ve got Pedro for five. Schilling for six. Can Schilling pitch? He can’t possibly be that bad again. He’ll make it happen. Game six: the bloody sock. But wait, not so fast:

The Yankees are threatening. AROD ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!! This can’t be real! This is ridiculous! Cheater! Haha, that’s right sucker. A-Rod swats balls. No runs, we win.

Game seven: time for a gut check. Not even close. Johnny Damon grand slam and it’s sealed by the second inning.

Then we entered the World Series. I was on cloud nine. Did these fools honestly believe that their minor league, AAA National League team could stop the momentum we had. Did you watch that series?! Honestly, did you watch it? That just freaking happened. We just came back from three games down. That doesn’t happen!

The four games went by so quick. I can hardly differentiate them. I can tell you that Manny was a beast though. He hit over .400 with a home run (Did I mention he has the most post season home runs of any player?) to lead the Sox to their first World Series in 86 years. MVP.

It happened again in 2007. The Sox were down versus the Indians. More specifically, the Sox were hanging their heads. They were about to lose their third straight game to go down 3-1. It seemed like no one on the team cared. However, Manny had a message to send. As his medium, he chose to crush a home run to deep center, completing the back-to-back-to-back with Youkilis and Ortiz. Then he celebrated. He watched his work, and he was proud. I was proud.

Alex was less than impressed, and made fun of him shouting, “scoreboard!” at the television set. Manny didn’t hear him. Neither did his teammates. You see, Alex missed the point. Manny’s blast set a fire under the rest of the Sox. They remembered that baseball was fun. They loosened up, and they won the next three. Manny hit over .400 yet again, and the Sox went on to sweep up their AAA opponent (aka Colorado Rockies) to take their second series in four years.

Unfortunately, I have always been aware that an end was evident. Manny Ramirez is growing older, and will eventually lose his edge. He would have cost the Red Sox $20 million for each of the next two years, and we all knew that wouldn’t happen. Boston doesn’t pay for tradition, it pays for performance. I knew this season would be a swan song, so when Mom and Dad went to Boston this summer, I asked for a Manny jersey. I knew he would be gone soon, but there is no number I would more proudly wear. Manny is a legend, and I have been blessed to watch him play.

Two weeks later he was gone. I had never paid much attention to the rumors… they happen every year. However, the day of the trade deadline I kept an ESPN window open behind my work.

“Manny deal a bust”

I smiled, I had at least another couple months. Then I checked just before I left to go home.

“Manny to LA, Bay to Beantown”

It was done. My favorite player was traded. Granted, he forced the hand. Manny Ramirez has been an abominable teammate the last few months, and that has been sad to watch. However, when he launches a baseball into the lower reaches of outer space, all is forgiven.

You can call him a showboat. You can call him a bad defender. I don’t care. Manny Ramirez is the most entertaining player in baseball. He is a first ballot Hall of Famer, and he will be missed.

He will be missed on those random afternoons in June, when I never get a call to ask if I saw Manny high five a fan before throwing back to finish a double play. Or the time he isn’t there to take a cell phone call inside the Green Monster between innings. I’ll even miss watching him misplay every ball that graces right field.

Most of all, I’ll miss watching him bat. You see, Manny Ramirez is one of the most disciplined hitters I’ve watched. He is always controlled, even in a two strike count. He rarely, if ever, gets beat mentally. Even when he misses, Manny is always balanced. He never looks awkward. When Manny stepped to the plate, I loved baseball a little bit more.

Finally, Manny Ramirez made David Ortiz one of the best hitters in baseball. Don’t get me wrong, Papi has immense talent, but do you really believe that Ortiz would put up those numbers without Manny Ramirez breathing down pitchers’ necks in the on deck circle? We’ll see.

I don’t want to give up on my team, but come the postseason, when Jason Bay has to come up in a pressure situation, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t rather see Manny Ramirez saunter to the plate.

Manny Ramirez #24
513 HR
1678 RBI
2329 Hits
.313 BA

Lucero Concert

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Three things contributed to me attending the Lucero concert tonight:

    • I didn’t feel like sitting around the apartment alone.
    • I wanted to get over to Lawrence and finally check it out.
    • I knew they would cover Jawbreaker’s “Kiss the Bottle”

      Honestly, it was a pretty sloppy concert. There were some highlights (”Kiss the Bottle” was definitely one of them), but they also had a lot of trouble with the sound levels. I’m not sure if its a good or bad thing that my favorite song they played was written by another band. After all, its not like I’ll ever get a chance to see Jawbreaker perform it themselves.

      While we’re on the subject of Jawbreaker. Can we all just acknowledge that Jawbreaker and Lifetime are two of the most widely influential punk bands to come out of the 90’s? It’s a tragedy nobody knows who they are. Seriously, Jawbreaker gets covered by everyone from Jimmy Eat World to Dashboard Confessional, and the only song people might have heard is “Boxcar.” As for Lifetime, Saves the Day and Taking Back Sunday should literally be paying them royalties for the lyrics/style they borrowed from the band.

      Anyway, back to the concert. I don’t think I had ever been to a southern rock concert before, so that was kind of interesting. I was honestly unsurprised to see the fat kid in a Leonard Skynard t-shirt standing next to me. It’s just that kind of music. The sing alongs during “I Can Get Us Out of Here” and “The War” were probably the highlights as far as their own music goes.  Like I said, it was pretty sloppy at times, but that kind of goes with their style of music. They have guitar solos, but they also have muddled sound coming from all over the place. Unfortunately for them, after a while I feel like most of their songs start to sound the same.

      Psalm 51:12

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      Restore to me the joy of your salvation, sustain me with a willing spirit.

      Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.

      Priorities

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      Its strange how moving can turn your world upside down. Not just in the obvious way— I’ve managed to figure out where all my important stuff is stored in the new apartment— but also in the way I spend my time. This isn’t a new concept. I often find my schedule drastically altered when I return to school or home. However, this time I have tried to be more intentional about developing good habits with how I spend my time.

      For example, I have tried to become more consistent in my running. I started logging all of my runs in an excel document. I hope that this will help me to improve my pace and stop the decline I have been suffering since April.

      I have also tried to improve the regularity of my quiet times. Kevin has challenged us to read a chapter of Ephesians each day of the week, and review the entire book on Sundays. I hope that this will help with my overall retention of the themes and where they occur in the Scriptures. I feel that in the past, I often remember the general ideas, but never where I can find them in the Bible. This is especially frustrating in a small group setting, when you can never find the place you are looking for.

      I would also like to set aside a part of my day for reading. I currently have scheduled the hour before I go to bed, but that time always seems to get invaded by other activities (like writing in this blog right now). Maybe I can find a better time to work in some reading during the day. I miss my literature.

      Just a few of the ways I am working to be more consistent and intentional in my lifestyle.

      Thanks Josh Hamilton

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      Josh Hamilton - Stud of the Rangers

      Thank you Josh Hamilton for your 28 home run performance in the first round of the Home Run Derby. It was pretty incredible. I mean, obviously its not as incredible as your life story. Just three years ago you were addicted to crack and seemed to be well on your way to ruining the talents which led to your first round draft selection.

      Then Josh’s life was transformed. Josh Hamilton crashed into the irresistable truth that is Jesus Christ. With God’s help, Hamilton battled back to the big leagues and made himself the undisputed MVP of the first half.

      It was a great scene when Hamilton stuttered for a minute in his interview with the smokin’ hot Erin Andrews then thanked his Savior, saying that his goal was simply to glorify God in all that he does now. Thank you Josh Hamilton… for reminding us all what we are here for.

      Leaving for Europe

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      I figured this might be my last post before I headed out for Europe. I will be extremely busy with the packing/wedding stuff going on in the next few days, but I wanted to post and let you all know where I will be headed. Andy and I finally laid out our itinerary and it looks something like this:

      • Mon. May 19: Leave St. Louis for Rome
      • Tues. May 20: Arrive in Rome.
      • Wed. May 21: Rome
      • Thur. May 22: Pisa/Florence
      • Fri. May 23: Florence/Travel to Venice
      • Sat. May 24: Venice
      • Sun. May 25: Milan
      • Mon. May 26: Nice/Cannes
      • Tues. May 27: Marseille/Travel to Paris
      • Wed. May 28: Paris
      • Thurs. May 29: Paris
      • Fri. May 30: Return to St. Louis from Paris

      We finished making reservations at all of the hostels this evening. The total for our room and board comes in under $300 per person. We tried to avoid all of the places which had comments describing hookers or drunk guys staring at you as you slept, but even so, if we don’t come back know that we loved you all very much. This is going to be awesome!

      OpenID

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      What is this new OpenID thing I speak of?

      Essentially, it is a way of identifying yourself on a number of sites without having to create an account everywhere, or enter the same information repeatedly. For example, I can now log in to this site by putting: http://jlayman.myvidoop.com into the OpenID field.  Since my OpenID provider keeps track of all of my personal details and verifies my identify, I am done.

      Where can I get an OpenID?

      I’m glad you asked. If you’re a part of Vox, Technorati, or a number of other sites you may already have one. However, I chose to use a standalone OpenID provider (myVidoop). The advantage of this, is that they also have a feature that allows me to store all of my passwords to other, non-OpenID sites, with relative ease. Also, myVidoop implements some really cool security features, such as an “ImageShield” which leads to increased security without a password. If you want to read more about why, you can check out Chris Shiflett’s article, because he describes it much better than I could.

      Example of myVidoop's ImageSheild

      I’m sorry for the geeky article, but I just spent three hours that I should have been studying for finals hacking the Wordpress plugin so that it actually works with my site.

      Last Class Ever

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      I just attended the last class of my undergraduate, and in all likelihood educational, career. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. It has not really struck me.

      I always loved school. I do not think I will ever tire of learning new things. University of Illinois certainly provided a myriad of opportunities for this. However, so much of my education has come from things I read or talk about outside of class. While it is time for me to move on, to start the rest of my life, it is never time for me to stop learning.

      I pray that my curiosity never leaves me. I hope that I will still be researching my favorite baseball players’ BABIP (batting average on balls in play, duh!), searching for interesting statistical trends in data, and borderline stalking my favorite bands, TV shows, and movies late into my years.

      Something tells me that I will. My education has not made me who I am. My curiosity was not artificially created by a will to succeed in school, but by a God who fearfully and wonderfully made me. While I am very grateful to the University of Illinois for the instruction it has provided me, this stage of my life is nearly finished.

      I’m excited for another to begin.

      The Greatest Character In All of Film

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      Michael Corleone is the greatest character in all of film. I watched The Godfather Part II this evening, and I contemplated this as I watched.

      No single character undergoes as much turmoil (both internal and external) throughout their films as Michael. Originally, Michael rejects the business of his family. He is purely idealistic, so much so, that he leaves the firm who recently hired him to instead serve as a marine during The Second World War. He places a higher value on his country than his family. Upon his discharge, he enters a relationship with a non-Italian woman, and begins a new life separate from his family’s.

      However, fate does not allow this to happen. Michael has the family business thrust upon him when it becomes clear that only he can steer the family through the attempted assassination of his father, Don Vito. When Sonny is killed, Michael is the only legitimate candidate for the next Godfather. Despite his, and his father’s wishes, he must carry the burden of overseeing the family. Michael sets asides his desires for an honest living, in order to protect the respect of his family, which he now values above all else.

      Unlike his father, this burden always weighs on Michael. He is never able to escape from the feeling that he must sacrifice in order to preserve the lives of those he cares about. Neither is he able to cope with the separation, which is a necessity, between himself and his wife. Eventually Michael is overtaken by his fatal need for vengeance. When need arises, Michael is ruthless, using his supreme intelligence and strategy to destroy all of his adversaries. During these times, Michael’s ideals and actions are in direct opposition with each other. He constantly relies on criminal action in his attempt to legitimize the family. Ultimately, he is never able to reconcile this difference, which is the great tragedy of his narrative.

      Michael is a character of seemingly infinite depth. The only rival I could think of would be Rick from Casablanca. However, at least in my book, Michael sits above even the great romantic of Casablanca as the greatest character in all of film.

      What are your thoughts?

      iPod: 1 - Me: 1

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      I had quite the scare this morning. I awoke at around 6am to the sound of my computer’s USB port doing that beeping noise it makes when it recognizes new hardware has been plugged in. I was moderately annoyed, mostly because it woke me up. However, when I actually got up for church, I found I had a nice error message on my iTunes. It informed me that my iPod’s harddrive could not be read from or written to. I then noticed that the clock on my iPod read 6:37, and it was in a frozen state. No buttons functioned at all.

      I almost embarked on the long saga of how I returned my friend to a working condition, but I realize that would be boring (essentially you just need to charge it up via the wall adapter and restart iTunes a few times). On the other hand, this event did cause me to think. My iPod is probably my second most valued possession (behind my computer). Before you start railing on me claiming I have no sense of priorities, understand this: I walk to classes every day– and those walks are not short. We are talking at least forty minutes of my day is spent hiking around campus. If I were to lose my music for these trips, it would be devastating. Then comes the issue of price. I can’t afford to buy a new iPod right now, I could buy a new Bible (for some reason somebody always brings this up, when I claim non-spiritual things as being more valuable). So as far as replacement cost + utility goes, I’m reasonably sure that my iPod has been undervalued in my eyes for too long.

      I had a wake up call today, and Mr. iPod, I’m sorry I have neglected you for so long. Sure, you may be really old, and have more scratches and dirt than I care to admit, but you have been a loyal friend for over three years. Other people might consistently make jokes about how clunky and colorless you are compared to your newer brothers and sisters, but I see the beauty that lies beneath. If you could hang in there for another fours months or so that would be fantastic!

      P.S. Thank you Ryan Zimmerman for salvaging an otherwise terrible Opening Day in America for my fantasy team with your game winning home run.

      Doesn’t Life Slow Down?

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      I just thought I’d make the obvious observation that life never really slows down.  I continue to tell myself that after this week things will be more organized and peaceful.  Then as the following week arrives, I ramp up to meet all of the requirements and deadlines I conveniently ignored.  I guess maybe this is just my psychological way of dealing with all that I have going on.

      Luckily, I do know that my friends are coming up to visit me this weekend.  I am eagerly awaiting the opportunity to spend time with Pat and Jen.  Jen has never seen my campus before, so this is especially exciting.

      Well, I am going to head off to bed and watch a few eps (that’s right, I said it) of The Office.

      Comedy Gold

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      For those of you who are sitting around looking for something to read, I thought I would share a bit of humor.  AJ reminded me on Friday of this classic post about coffee shops.  While I was ridiculously pretentious, you have to admit that its fun to look back at and laugh.

      As for group reading. I am considering some Catch 22, Slaughterhouse 5, and depressive stuff like that. If it is uplifting, I will uplift you from your chair and help you find the door. We don’t want that crap here. As for the reading ability, I can understand some trouble from time to time. We all have our days, and even I stumble over words. However, sometimes enough is enough. If my deceased dog can read better than you, you have a problem. I will be happy to call SYLVAN they have a learning center for people like you.

      I think that part is my favorite.  In a post demanding intelligence from my readers, I use the word “depressive” instead of “depressing.”  I’m a winner.

      I Don’t Write Enough

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      I’m currently listening to: Headlights - Towers

      Every time I open my web browser I click through my list of favorites, only so that I can see who has updated their blog/website.   I frequently ponder how hypocritical it must seem that I rarely post on my own blog.  Often I feel this is because nobody would care about what goes on in my daily life.  Then I realize that I desperately seek out the reports others write about their mundane tasks.  So here goes nothing.

      This weekend I went home to get a bunch of stuff done.  Here is a list of things I accomplished this weekend:

      • Got my haircut
      • Measured for tuxedo in Jen’s wedding
      • Visited with parents
      • Hung out with Patrick
      • Saw Nina/David
      • Bought a second pair of jeans

      I got back to Champaign last night.  This morning, when I woke up, I found that my package from Polyvinyl Records arrived.  I ordered The Headlights’ new album, Some Racing, Some Stopping on vinyl.  By the way, I absolutely love Polyvinyl Records and Saddle Creek Records (and not just because they included a valentine in my package).  Each of these record labels has instituted a policy of including a digital download card with all of their records.  This means that I can reap the benefits of vinyl (large artwork, better sound, feeling more legit), and still have the music in a readily accessible format.  I consider this to be genius.

      And So It Begins

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      Pitchers and catchers report today.  I know that all of you were already aware of this, since you are all avid baseball fans.  I simply thought I would document the occasion.

      By the way, I have already joined a fantasy league.  Last week I added  Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball, Fire Joe Morgan, and Baseball Prospectus to my list of websites checked daily (in addition to ESPN and RedSox.com).  I suggest that everyone else consider doing the same.  After all, you know at least half of my blog posts for the next eight months will revolve around the greatest sport ever imagined, you may as well know what I’m talking about.