Official Rules of Scattergories

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Let me preface these rules with the following statement.  I am the dominant force when it comes to Scattergories.  My partner Nina and I have never been defeated in a legitimate challenge for this position.  As a result, I feel it is my right and duty to dispense the official rules of Scattergories as it should be played.

Creativity is king.  If your response makes me laugh, chances are I will count it.  Nothing, and I mean nothing will ruin a game of Scattergories faster than playing by a restrictive set of allowed responses.  This game is meant to be played as a challenge of wit and humor, not as an experience in case law.  If I have to repeatedly justify all of my responses, I just won’t play with you anymore.  It is as simple as that.

Don’t be those guys.  Almost every time you play with a large group of people (more than pairs on a team), you end up with one group who constantly chooses ridiculous responses and acts mystified when they are unanimously rejected by everyone else.  Even worse, they generally refuse to admit defeat and continue to argue for answers they knew would not be accepted.  I admit, there is often a temptation to stretch for words, especially when you are not winning.  However, attaching adjectives, using obscure movie quotes, or obscene humor rarely works in your favor.  If nobody else the game is amused by your antics, you should stop.  Everyone else probably just considers you mentally retarded anyway.

Using generally accepted slang terms to refer to an item is perfectly legitimate.  Just because you wouldn’t find something in a dictionary, doesn’t mean it isn’t fair game in Scattergories.  After all, this isn’t Scrabble.  The other day someone rejected the word “gator” because the actual word is “alligator.”  This was especially ridiculous considering the University of Florida use a gator, not alligator as their mascot.  If you want to reject gator, then you should reject bunny as well, because the real term is rabbit.  See the point?  This should go as a supporting detail to number one, but it seems like lately people have been abusing this so much that it deserved its own mention.

Be gracious.  I understand that you might not see the connection between certain words.  However, everyone has their own opinion and word associations.  Please be generous.  The game is much more interesting when it is played open-ended.  I’m not saying you have to accept every word, but its not worth losing friends to protect a one point lead (unless its in revenge, then its completely justified).

Eliminating the same word written down for a category is legit.  It happens, people choose the same thing.  However, you need to be careful with how far you take this.  For example, if the category was ‘movies,’ and the letter was ‘a.’  Does it really seem like a good idea to discount American Beauty because someone else used An American In Paris?  That’s freaking ridiculous!  These are two entirely unrelated objects which happen to share a word.  Now, if the category was ‘cars,’ and the letter was ‘m.’  I would have no trouble eliminating the word Mazda when someone else played Mazda Miata, because they refer to essentially the same object (although the second team should still get points for Miata).

If the category contains the word “excuses” or “reasons,” you should just give up attempting to judge now.  There is no way that you can cross something off the list, unless it literally does not form an idea (see: the “that guy” paragraph above).  These categories are meant to illicit ridiculous responses, and in my humble opinion, the stranger the better.

Stay away from one person inside jokes.  Oftentimes when playing Scategories, there will come a time when someone chooses a word no one else understands the reasoning behind.  The person will then point to one specific person in the room, or even worse try to call a friend on their cellphone, and expect that one person is able to back up an inside joke and somehow make their ill-fated choice legitimate.  My rule of thumb is that if the joke doesn’t have relevance to at least one third of the members playing, you probably shouldn’t use it.  Note, this does not apply to commonly known things.  For example, I recently used “Kofi Anan” for president, because he was the president of the United Nations.  Most of the people in the game were not aware of this.  However, this is an easily researchable fact, it is not based on people’s experience, and could quickly be either confirmed or denied.  It’s not my fault if you can’t keep up with current events.  There is a difference.

Have fun.  Sure the game gets competitive, but as soon as you take it too seriously the fun quickly dissolves.  You all should just realize that I am going to win anyway, and roll with the punches.

Game on.

The Hazelwood School District is to Education as the Former Montreal Expos are to Baseball

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Over the years, the Hazelwood School District has shown an aptitude in few things aside from illogical school policy, failing state-wide expectations, and unfairly targeting the few bright minds entrapped within their district. Like the Expos, the district has constantly underperformed while at the same time cleansing itself of any talent that could have existed. Just as the Expos management sold out the fans of Montreal, the Hazelwood School District has chosen to cater to the unintelligent and criminal students rather than providing those who show potential with the opportunity they deserve. I am currently writing this in protest to the ridiculous way my sister was treated by Assistant Principal Donna Weaver this morning.

Since she entered Hazelwood West, my sister has shown nothing less than the type of excellence a school should be proud of. Regularly boasting a report card with straight A’s (and multiple 100%’s), my sister has consistently won between 2-4 departmental awards in each of her first three years at Hazelwood West High School. She regularly gives of her time to a number of volunteer efforts, including VIPs, coaching a squad of elementary-age cheerleaders, working as a summer camp counselor, and a number of other activities. She is uniformly respected by all of her teachers and peers alike.

However, students like this are not respected in the Hazelwood School District, as my sister found this morning. On the way to school, my sister realized she has forgotten her cheerleading uniform for the pep assembly that would be held this afternoon. She quickly returned home, grabbed the uniform, and proceeded to school. Now because of some bad weather and a car problem earlier this semester, my sister already possessed three tardies. In order to prevent more trouble, my sister asked my mother to follow her to the attendance office and explain the situation. Upon entering the attendance office, my mother and sister were informed that it didn’t matter, and my sister would have to go speak to Mrs. Weaver about her tardiness. I cannot blame the attendance workers for this decision, they were merely acting as they have been instructed (although a little mercy would have been greatly appreciated).

However, the logic used by Mrs. Weaver and the rest of district administrators is non-existent. My sister apologized for the tardiness (explaining the reason), and then explained that the other tardies were due to bad weather conditions. Mrs. Weaver then lectured her that she should have taken the bus, and these problems would not have occurred.

At this point, I would like to take a moment and explain the bus situation the Hazelwood School District has allowed to exist without reform. Last year, when my sister rode the bus on a more consistent basis, she was constantly harassed and at one point licked by some perverted child sitting in the seat next to her. This type of harassment is ridiculous and should never happen, but sadly it is a routine occurrence in the Hazelwood bus system. In a more extreme case a couple of years ago, a friend of mine’s kindergarten son was riding the bus, and did not get off at his stop. The father was waiting at the busstop, and knew his child had boarded the bus at the school. However, he had to force himself onto the bus, because the belligerent busdriver refused to check for the student himself. Upon doing so, he found his child stuffed under a seat where he had been kicked and spit on for the duration of the ride. When my friend approached the district about this horrific event, the district refused to review tapes or take any action. It should also be noted that my friend and his wife had previously worked a combined twenty years teaching for the Hazelwood School District when this even took place. The transit system for the Hazelwood School District is laughable, and no one over the age of 16 would ever consider riding the bus, therefore Mrs. Weaver’s argument is asinine.

I should also explain at this point in time, that my sister could have easily lied (as students with less integrity routinely do) and claimed she had ridden the bus on those days. Instead, my sister was penalized for driving herself to school and arriving tardy, on two days when traffic was horrendous and almost no one was able to make it to school on time. This means that if my sister arrives tardy to school one more day the remainder of this semester, she will be given a detention. Unfortunately, this is the tough break that the rare academic success stories of our district commonly receive. However, if this were the end of the story, I would have no cause for complaint. Rules and policies exist, and they should be followed, but this is not the policy that the Hazelwood School District has taken.

Throughout the years I attended Hazelwood West, I witnessed students slip through the disciplinary process of the school with no consequences simply because they did not allow themselves to be disciplined. Had my sister thrown a fit or created an uproar, she undoubtedly would have been excused. But because my sister was raised correctly, and respected her authority she receives no breaks. I can name at least twenty people who skipped school on a regular basis, to the knowledge of the administration, and received no punishment whatsoever. I can also name a few students that skipped only an hour of two of class in their entire life and were punished to the full extent of district policy. I can verify that last year, the authorities gained knowledge of a theft of equipment totalling more than $1000, and they proceeded to let the students off the hook with not so much as a detention despite the fact that the piece of equipment was not even returned in working condition. Instead, the school decided to attack freedom of speech, and the internet. A witch hunt was conducted by a number of teachers and administrators that sought to expose as many students as possible as criminals. If I were to have posted my previous papers, or any assignment on my personal webpage last year, I undoubtedly would have received at least a dentention even though the work was my own and there was nothing illegal in displaying my own ideas (this is not to say that the cheating website created last year was in any way justified or legal, I am talking about merely displaying your own work).

You see, the Hazelwood School District is not concerned in the least with academic excellence. Although they employ a few of the best teachers I have ever learned under (Ms. Simpson, Mr. Jameson, the entire Social Sciences department), the administration makes no effort to help those who will to succeed. They are more concerned with boosting MAP scores, by forcing these quality teachers to distort their lesson plans in order to cover MAP material that has no place in the given course, than teaching more advanced subjects and preparing a student for higher learning. When I speak of my high school experience, people at the university I currently attend are brought (not unjustifiably) to the conclusion that my district was a failure. No, Hazelwood does not seek to prepare students for college, in fact they allow numerous speakers to con students into believing that technical schools and other alternatives could provide equal opportunities to a university education. If a student succeeds in the Hazelwood School District they should feel no obligation to praise their district, instead they should give credit to the few teachers that challenged them and to themselves, for proving that people are able to succeed no matter what hinders come along the way.

In attempt to appear harsh, the district has created illogical policies that are only applied to those who are willing to accept them. The students for whom these policies were created will never reap the consequences of their actions because the authorities refuse to hold them accountable. Instead, the honorable students like my sister are penalized for the transgressions of others. It is pitiful when a student feels that it is more advantageous to stay home and miss a day, rather than receiving a tardy, if only to avoid punishment and perhaps challenge themselves with making up the coursework. Unfortunately, they will find, as I did, that no work is actually done during class. To make up the average day of school, it would take approximately an hour. Congratulations Hazelwood School District, this is what you have become.

Just as the Expos, there are survivors, those who overcome the obstacles and hassles of dealing with such an organization; for that they are better. Just like Pedro Martinez, Vladimir Guerrero, and Orlando Cabrera, there are success stories from the Hazelwood School District, those who go on to live successful lives. But mark my words, you will never hear Pedro Martinez credit the Montreal Expos for his success.

Michael Moore Is A Fool

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Fahrenheit Poster

I enjoyed Bowling for Columbine (BFC); I won’t deny it. However, tonight I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11. This movie was utter trash. I have never been more ashamed of any one person, aside from the screenwriters of the Transporter and Kung Pow than in Moore. His logic is nonexistent and his intelligence lacking.

Moore’s Arguements
1) President Bush appointed people he had previously worked with into powerful positions, and helped them to succeed.
2) President Bush knows the Saudi Princes and Bin Ladens.
3) President Bush attempts to evoke fear in America by mentioning threats.
4) The Army recruits people from lower income areas who end up oversees dieing in Iraq.

The Truth
1) The last time I checked, you were allowed to maintain friendships in office. If I was elected to a position, you can bet that people I have previously dealt with and grown to respect would be offered positions around me.

2) If you open up just about any news source, it will not take you long to figure out that the Bin Ladens have outlawed Osama, they do not agree with him. I am not saying the Saudis are trustworthy, but at least they are an ally, which we don’t have many of right now.

3) Its funny how in his last movie, Moore criticized the media for creating a sense of scare in America, and suggested that America was in a constant state of fear because of it. However, in this current trash, Moore blames the President for creating fear for the American people. Note: it should also be ignored that we are holding the president at a double standard, considering how we whine that noone warned us about 9/11.

4) Quite simply, I am sick of these poor kids expecting to use the Army as a “Go to College Free Card.” The Army college program is not meant to be abused as welfare is. This is not a give me something for free program. When kids sign up to join the Army, even during times of peace, they should realize the risks they are taking. It does not matter if America was at peace when you joined the program. I think that it is crap that everyone abuses this program, and then whines when the consequences which have always been there take place. This is so stupid that I cannot even describe it to you.

On top of this, Moore then suggests that the politicians should send their kids to Iraq. Let me point something out, these kids are actually going somewhere. These kids don’t need handouts, they don’t need help. The Army is doing people a favor by helping them to get out of the slums they live in and Moore is attacking this. For what reason? Were the risks not pointed out? Do people not understand that people die in the Army? That is so stupid. The “Free College” Army program has always been a gamble, and now that these people got burnt, they want to whine about how they are getting exploited. This isn’t welfare… this was a contract that required work, for college. Deal.

Winner of the Cannes Film Festival, why? Maybe because it is in France… and they sure love hating America.

Micheal Moore, then for some reason, feels that he is esteemed and ingenius enough to use a quote from 1984 by George Orwell. If Orwell were alive today, I have no doubts in my mind that Orwell would have beaten Moore to death with a wooden cane for defiling his book with this trash of a movie.

Micheal Moore lives in a 1.9 million dollar home and rides around in a chauffered limo. That makes him a hypocrite.

KTHXBYE.

SHIRTLESS BENJI MADDEN!!!!!

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Ok children, it has been a while… but I am ready to roll. Actually, I was quite complacent with other tasks, but was thrown into a rage upon checking my webstats. It is one thing to search for strange things and find my site, but it a completely different issue when someone searches for “Shirtless Benji Madden Pics.” This my friends, is ridiculous… and it has spurred a flame that should have been posted long ago.

Now, as you may know… I am lazy. So of course the first time I saw something like this, I was mad… but not mad enough. I talked to pat, we made some jests… but now it has gone too far. Apparently my site must have been pretty high up there, because people have gotten to my site using the words: shirtless, benji, and madden quite a few times.

Well girls, you asked for it, so here it is. A post dedicated to Benji Madden and his sad excuse for a punk-rawk band:

First, before I get any flames from these Madden-Lovers… Yes, I have seen Good Charlotte in concert (with stretch arm strong, mxpx, and nfg). Unfortunatley, GC was in the middle, so I was unable to escape the madness. Let me attempt to describe it for you.

So MxPx has just finished their set, all the real kids are still in awe. All of a sudden, these clowns get up there and just kind of stand there for a minute. Finally, they must have gotten the hint it was time to start, so they began to talk. Luckily, I was unable to hear their worthless message as the teen girls around me had already exploded my ear drums with that high-pitched obnoxoius scream that only comes from Satan’s creatures (or some sad pre-teen pop girls).

Well, they began to play, and that was about it. No jumping, no moving, no screaming (maybe some sobbing). GC PUTS ON THE WORST LIVE SHOW I HAVE EVER WITNESSED!!!! I am serious, this isn’t even a joke. I have seen some pretty awful bands (see Plain White Tees and Plus One), but none can top these money-motivated pop punkers. Let us analyze their latest cd:

The Album:
1) Intro - EVERY COOL PUNK RAWKING BAND HAS AN INTRO RIGHT?
2) Anthem - This song seriously makes me sick. I am not kidding, I vomited three times attempting to get through this song for a review. “Do you really wanna be like them?” If it means not being like you… yes.
3) Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous - Is GC not rich and famous? I think they are. I saw them on TRL 7 times last month. See: Sell Out.
4) Wondering - I honestly wonder who allowed the creation of this album. Where is Tipper Gore?
5) My Old Man - HAHAHHHAHAHA This dudes dad was a drunk. Good for him, get on with your life. Stop complaining, maybe you should have another drink… then drive yourself home. I hope there’s ice on all the roads (props if you caught the quote).
6) Boys and Girls - Well, since you are pretty ugly, and definately tone deaf, it is understandable that you would believe that girls only want cars and money.
7) Bloody Valentine - This is my personal favorite. I love this song. This song cracks me up. I can only picture Benji holding a knife over my bed. Then I wake up and knock the knife out of his hands and proceed to throw him out of my window. You are about twenty steps too far down the poser line to be capable of murder.
8) Hold On - I did not believe this song was serious, until I heard them talk about it in concert. See my commentary on this song below.
9) Riot Girl - If you successfully hooked a “riot girl,” who likes social distortion… how on earth did she let you publish this song. Emergency call 911– certainly… this song just gave me a severe loss of intelligence.
10) Say Anything - Please stop… Honestly.
11) Day that I Die - Finally, Benji and I are sharing a thought! Unfortunately, I think he has the distorted view that society will allow him to live long enough to reproduce. The offer still stands for the first person to drag his carcass to my front door.
12) The Young and the Hopeless - I wasn’t hopeless, until I imagined a generation that just willingly embraced this band.
13) Emotionless - GUGHAOSFJAOIFJDSFMLKMFDOFJDFLADMSFLKDASOJFASLGFJLDASJFOIJ At this point in the album, I am far from emotionless, I had to remind myself that this review was almost over, and I could return to my Death Cab for a Cutie.
14) Moving On - I invisioned this song as the last leg of a race. I have endured for this long, so I must only suck it up and last 3:33 minutes more…. wait, I skipped after 22 seconds. I just don’t have that much endurance. I still need my wits you know.

Hold On - Commentary by shraps
This world < -- I enjoy this world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go <-- did I just hear a studder...
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care <-- perhaps you need to touch up and darken those black slits around your eyes... or maybe the mohawk needs a new color
You're mother's gone and your father hits you <-- I honestly think this is the most touching line of the song. His parents try so hard to straighten him, but he refuses their aid.
This pain you cannot bear <-- *begin to sob*

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through <-- Yeah, having to meet that payment on your new car and big house must really be difficult Benj...

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know <-- there is only one way to get better... you know what you have to do... pull the trigger.

Your days
You say they're way too long <-- well, if I spent the majority of my day playing this album, I would imagine that my days would seem like an eternity.
And your nights
You can't sleep at all <-- If I had the image of you standing over me with that knife you spoke about last song, I don't know if I would either.
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to no more < --Its time to prove your hardcore... can you do it? Ripper sure did.

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through < -- Kids, at this point in the song, you should stop and ask yourself... do I really want to be like good charlotte? How many people Good Charlotte's age actually enjoy them? Do they have any friends their own age? If they did, would they sing songs for 13 year old girls?

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over <-- please, don't stop searching... find a better role model.
Hold on

Well people, I don't know what else I can tell you... Ripping on Good Charlotte wasn't as fun as I had imagined. This band is utter trash. They don't even put up a decent fight. However, I do not regret this post. This is a necessary evil. If the youth of America are really searching for "shirtless benji madden," then I must show them the light. Good Charlotte are a bunch of posers, and their band is a failure. How does someone go from Motivation Proclimation to this scum?

-shraps

Jennifer Theresa Hirschbuehler

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Normally this blog is used as a means to tear apart and belittle the current focus of my wrath. However, there is one person in my life who has changes my perspective to positive. This post is a shout out to my best friend Jennifer. Her bright and shining face will always make me smile, and make me feel warm and happy inside. When I think of her I want to go and buy a rhinocerous or a SNARK!

Well, I would like to begin this ode with a poem, or flow if you will, for Jen:

Yo Jenny–
This is JD.
I hope you know
I like to flow
You are my inspiration
The point of admiration
When I think of you
I don’t have a clue
Because I am lost in your beauty
You sure are a cutie!
The times we have had
Listening to your dad
He sure likes his gun
I think that is fun
We made a voicemail
For Pat it did hail
At childrens camp we volunteer
There Johnny Rhines is so near
This flow could go on forever
But then you would just say whatever
We grew up together
Pretty as a feather
That made no sense
and my car has some dents
Because you can steer a car
Better than me by a far
I know that you love
This flow like a dove
But I must let it go
So please don’t say no.

Wasn’t that just beautiful? I sure thought so. Now what was I talking about, OH YEAH Jen :). In case you don’t know jen, I pity you… She is the coolest person on the planet. Jen and I grew up in the same neighborhood, so of course: we have many many stories. Most of these stories would probably bore you, or confuse you. But that is because you are a retard, not because we make no sense whatsoever. Here are some of the all time greatest stories Jen and I share:

Taco Bell
If you knew me as a child, I was ignorant. One day, at the peak of my ignorance I uttered some unkind words in the presence of my mother, while we were eating Taco Bell. You see, the minimum wage idiots messed up my order again! Well, my mom didn’t sympathize, and I recieved the worst beating of my life. I was bruised for months to come. After the carnage was over, mom came out and kindly explained to Jen and the rest of the game exactly what words she did not wish to hear for the rest of the summer.

Clue Mystery Movie
Man, its raining cats and dogs out there…
No kidding.
Does anyone want gravy with their roast?

Enough said.

Children’s Camp Memories
Skid Stains/Poop in Toilet
Me getting hit with a pole and a phone book
Johnny Rhines tells the infamous “Zoo Story”
Johnny Rhines tells “Top 200 Ways You Know Your Kid Has Cancer”
Johnny Rhines gives the speech about how his kids don’t have a skit.
Johnny Rhines makes ridiculous comment about the “Treble Clef”
East St. Louis?
Up on the Rooftop
ET falling

Secret Agent Missions/Misc
Pastor Rhea Moved to Africa
Rabid Dog Attacks in Josh’s Neighborhood
Road Block In Charlie’s Driveway
Nina Surveliance
Shark Attack in Ocean
SNARK

Example of Secret Agent Mission Bracelets
bracelets

(If you check back, I will be expanding this list as I think of memories)

As far as ignorance goes. Where do you think I get my inspiration? I have honestly sat and listened to Jennifer rant about one single issue for over 2 hours in my living room. There is noone who can put you in your place faster than Jen on a rampage.

Just in case you guys didn’t figure out how cool Jennifer is, I decided to include a more abstract poem, like the one standard open diary users would write about the people they like:

Stunning
She looked at me today
I felt like a real winner
I wish I could tell her
How much I felt about her
So maybe I’ll write it
In a PUBLIC diary, so
Everyone including her
can read about it a million
times and discuss it with their friends
Wait, I dont even like jen like that
Oh well, I have to get attention somehow
and this is sure to cause DRAMA

(Do you feel special yet?)

Another great aspect of Jennifer is her story telling ability. Some people have discredited this as insanity, however I believe it to be genius. In memory of some of Jennifer’s epic tales, I will write you a story.

One day there was a puppy named Sassy. Sassy was a very cute puppy, but one day Sassy got lost. Well, maybe he didn’t really get lost. ET took him up in his secret spacecraft through the teleport in Jen and JD’s closets. Upon arrival at the teleport landing area, Sassy found himself (yes its a him, don’t mock the name pal) in Osama’s cave. This is because of the extensive reconaissance missions that ET has been running for the government.

When Osama noticed Sassy, who was not camoflaged by the pink dress ET was wearing, he struck to kill. Luckily, Johnny Rhines shot into the cave bearing a lion. This was no ordinary lion, it was the lion who had previously eaten his wife after she refused to make him dinner. The vicious lion soon incompacitated Osama.

This was very good for Sassy, who was now safe again. Sassy dragged Osama out into the desert where he was run over by either a Stanky Rinocerous or Brontosaurus (the reports vary). At this point, Sassy was free to return home, so he got in his racecar and said “VROOOOM VROOOOM NEPHEW!” and went all the way home.

THe End.

I’m sorry that wasn’t much of a story, but you must remember that I am not the true master of stories. Jennifer is. Well this concludes my post to Jennifer. I hope everyone will get the message that she is my BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. That is why she is so deserving of the largest rant I have ever put into my diary. It is a rant about how good she is, because I wouldn’t be half of what I am spiritually or socially without Jen.

BYBEYEYEYBYEYYEYEY
JD

Coffee Shops

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You may not have noticed… but coffee shops have become insanely popular in the last few years… Movies like “You’ve Got Mail” and crap like that have brought the small bookstores and coffee shops back into the stylish crowd. Now I have to ask myself a few questions… Why do the stereotypical American morons feel that they have the right to invade stores such as Borders, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, and all of the smaller versions of the above mentioned locations?

Upon attempting to create an equation to solve this by, I became frustrated.

Moron + Coffee + Books == NO

First off, these people cannot read. How many times do you have to sit in a class, or some other public activity, and wait for what seems like hours for some illiterate genius to studder over a few sentences. Second, since when did all of these people acquire the money to spend $5 on a coffee? It never ceases to amaze me how ghettos around here still contain thriving coffee shops. Newsflash: The truely rich stopped driving to Ferguson and other high crime areas long ago.

To combat this problem, I am considering my own coffee shop. Here are the requirements to get in (you must only meet one):

1) You must have an IQ of over 150 (140 is negotiable if you can prove your self-worth… 139: TOO BAD!)

2) You must have a net income of over $100,000 dollars a year. If you aren’t smart, you must at least be successful.

3) You are well read. Anne Rice, John Grisham, Assorted Pop Fiction: Sorry. We don’t accept this kind of crap. The first time you are caught uttering something from one of these horrid collections, you will be torn limb from limb.

This would be a real coffee shop. Also, we wouldn’t sell any of that trendy cappucino crap either. It would be straight coffee and maybe some hot chocolate from time to time. That would be about it. This place is built upon intelligence not some crappy machine that spews nine flavors of the newest “Premium Blends.” The places where the best discussion occurs often sport nothing but black coffee where the filter has been reused all day.

As for group reading. I am considering some Catch 22, Slaughterhouse 5, and depressive stuff like that. If it is uplifting, I will uplift you from your chair and help you find the door. We don’t want that crap here. As for the reading ability, I can understand some trouble from time to time. We all have our days, and even I stumble over words. However, sometimes enough is enough. If my deceased dog can read better than you, you have a problem. I will be happy to call SYLVAN they have a learning center for people like you.

As for debates: this is sad people. Would you like to know how I can tell there is no intelligence in this area? I recently participated in a debate. At the beginning of the class period, the vote was 4-18 against me. The 55 minute duration of the class was alotted for debate, and at the end another poll was taken. The results were 19-3. Let us discuss the problem here. I, however smart I am, should not be able to sway an entire HONORS class in fifty five minutes. Now, granted this is high school. However, these children are reflections of their parents, meaning the intelligence of their parents cannot be much higher.

In my coffee shop, if you debate and lose this miserably. You will be escorted from the premises and I will pray that you walk yourself into oncoming traffic. If you cannot support what you believe, you should not exist. Even though democrats are sadly mistaken, they still have reasons for these misconceptions.

I am not dissing coffee shops or anything, simply the people who believe they are making themselves cooler by attending them. Coffee shops don’t give some kind of magical +5 bonus to your IQ. I mean I guess they can be cool and relaxing, but it just seems like I would be happier sitting by my fireplace reading or debating with people who I know have intelligence, instead of some random crackpot at the nearest Starbucks.

Bottom line people: If you aren’t smart. Don’t try. Reading is not trendy, reading is not cool. If you choose to read, it it because you like it. No matter how long you spend in a book, or how long you spend at a coffee shop, you cannot make yourselves smart.

Things that Make Me Angry

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If the Yankees win tommorow night/day, all violence shall break out upon this earth. I am sick and tired of these pieces of crap winning everything. It is ridiculous, however even worse is the fact that I would be forced to support them in the World Series simply to spite the Cubs.

Now, back to this hatred. The idea of allying with the Evil Empire cannot last for long. I have faith in my Sox. They will win tommorow, and they will pummel the Yanks in game 7. Pedro is pissed, and mark my words: he will not choke. If we get past game 6, we have the series.

Now, back to the ridiculousness of the Yankee organization. After the game today, I decided to create a few ACT style linkages about them.

1) The Yankees are to baseball as Affirmative Action is to the colleges and universities of America. Honestly, I feel like I am at a UN conference every time they announce their lineup.

2) The Yankees are to baseball as Microsoft is to the monopolization of the computer industry. Honestly, if I had $160 million, I wouldn’t lose either.

3) The Yankees are to baseball as pop-fiction is to literature. How appealing can you be when you never have to piece together a victory or develop your team?

4) The Yankees are to baseball as the crappy Honda imports are to the Corvette. Honestly, how many American players are on the New York Yankees? Not too many.

After a quick check, only 5 of the 13 position players on the New York Yankee’s roster were born in the United States (The pitchers fared slightly better with 6). HOW IS THIS AN AMERICAN SPORT FOR THEM? I mean the Red Sox play the song “Born in the USA” and not even half of them can understand, let alone relate to what it is saying!

Let’s move onto the coaching. Do I really even have to speak? I mean who can erase the horrible image of 72 year old bench coach Don Zimmer sprinting around the crowd of players to target Pedro Martinez, staying out of the drama near his dugout. Bad Pedro?! BAD ZIMMER, this man came out for the sole purpose of attacking Pedro. Didn’t Martinez take the higher road by tossing him out of the way instead of punching him in the face?

Also, I don’t understand why Pedro gets so much attention for intentionally nailing a guy… After letting up a few runs, Bob Gibson (the beloved Cardinal’s pitcher) would throw for the head. Noone had a problem with it then. I think the Yankees should stop crying like babies and try to play ball. Baseball isn’t a passive sport, stop playing with your best China (sorry for the horrible pun, but I couldn’t resist).

Alright, thats about all for now. I’ll leave you with these pictures:

ramirez mad

zimmer charges

zimmer rolls

zimmer ok

-shraps

New Trogdor Score

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I would like you all to know that I consider level 22 to be unbeatable, and am taking a break from Trogdor for a while.

high score pic

Instant Messenger

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I’m listening to: Slick Shoes - Far From Nowhere - 07 - Simon’s Quest

Alright… This has been accumulating for a while, and is ready to rip. AOL Instant Messenger is the single handed most useless program ever written for the Windows Operating Systems (at least for most people apparently)!!!!

Let’s discuss this people… well no, let ME discuss with myself, it has a better effect. Gee shraps, how many people do you enjoy talking to online? The answer: not too many. I hate it how as soon as seven o’clock rolls around every person on my buddy list decides it is time to chat. Do I look like some old person who enjoys sitting on their front porch in a rocking chair talking to other boring people about how bad life sucks and we will all die soon? No, so I don’t want to talk to you either. As for conversation topics, here are the ones that I enjoy seeing:

*Did you you know that you are the coolest person? I wish I could be like you. NOTE: this does not contain any request for response, nor does it ask for any tricks to be as cool as me.
*Did you hear that so and so broke their neck and is currently in intensive care? NOTE: if you are going to contact me about someone else, it better be something like this, life threatening… if they are already dead… tough luck, I don’t really care at this moment, the funeral won’t be for at least a few days.
*JD, would you like to do something aka go to a movie, go put-putting, go cause trouble. NOTE: this is the true purpose of AIM, to make conversation easier than having to call to plan things.

Now, let me discuss some things which I DO NOT wish to see:

*HI ITS ME, GUESS WHO?>?!?!?!??!? NOTE: This is ridiculous. The fact that anyone would instant message me with the expectations of me playing a guessing game is ludacris.
*Can you help me with such and such? NOTE: I am not a tutor, nor tech support… If you would like help, including counseling, I would be happy to supply this for the low cost of $6.95 an hour.
*What does your name mean? NOTE: If I felt that everyone and their mother had the attention span to listen to the riveting story of how I came to be called shraps, I would post it somewhere… it is a mystery because you are simply not capable of understanding it… If you want to understand it, think.

Now, let us discuss faces. Online faces are a very touchy subject with me. There are three faces that I do not mind seeing. They are as follows: :P, :), :(. If I see anything else, you can garuntee that my mouse is quickly approaching the block button.

Since we touched the topic of blocking, there is another subject that needs to be mentioned. Since I am so insanely popular, I get a large quantity of AIMs from people every day. To avoid this, I simply block all names which start like the following: (Note: I gave a list of names which I feel might help you to find a name I can stand.)

Princess PoortoModeratelyPoorGirlInTheSuburbs - Don’t kid yourself, you are not a princess… in anyone’s eyes. Please, I prefer level-minded people.
Cutie ILookLikeGarbage - Ok, even if you look semi-decent, there is no way that you will continue to look so if you are constantly hunched over your computer typing AIMs to people…
Sparkles IAmUncreative - Honestly, how original is sparkles? Let me help you think of something more creative. HamsterVillian, IStealLaundry, ILikeBoys (at least you’re honest), IHateCreativity, IHateFreedom… the list goes on. By picking something as stupid as sparkles, you are giving up your right to be different.
insertnamehere12345340924 ICouldntThinkOfAnythingAndHadToPutNumbers - think of how many possibilities there are for screennames, do you really want to share? If you can’t step up and take the initiative to hunt out a non-taken screenname, I can’t take the initiative to be your friend.

Alright, now that we have all of this out of the way, hopefully I can live in peace. Now, if you would like to talk to me still, continue to do so, I will block you at my own discretion.

-shraps

Creativity

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I’m listening to: Cadillac Blindside - These Liquid Lungs - True and Cold

So today I was feeling creative. I noticed that there seemed to be an unusual demand for wallpapers including a beautiful picture of myself, so I created one. Now, I am not a photoshop wizard, so you art freaks cannot judge this… but I think it will do the job for all of my loyal fans ;) I even included a verse that I feel describes me. Well check it out, and then set it as your desktop :)

Heaven Sent (800×600)
Heaven Sent (1024×768)
Heaven Sent (1280×1024)
Heaven Sent (1600×1200)

-shraps

Boredom

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I’m listening to: Thrice - The Artist in the Ambulance - 10 - The Artist in the Ambulance

“late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can’t stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel lift me up
and i open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
they flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and i am gone
now i lay here owing my life to a stranger
and i realize that empty words are not enough
i’m left here with the question of just
what have i to show except the promises i never kept?
i lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets
i hope that i will never let you down
i know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound
look around and you’ll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
it gets me down but i’m still gonna try to do what’s right, i know that there’s
a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
there’s a line drawn in the sand, i’m working up the will to cross it
rhetoric can’t raise the dead
i’m sick of always talking when there’s no change
i’m sick of empty words, let’s lead and not follow
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can’t stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel steal me from the
greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
they’ve given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance
can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound”

I r bored. If I hate to type this or read this in one more instant message window, I think I might puke. Why do American youth have so much trouble finding things to do in the summertime? Here are some suggestions that I have thought of:

Top 10 Things Bored Kids Should Do Instead of Whine During Summer Vacation
10)
Go Outside, Play. How many losers are inside sitting on their computers or watching MTV right now? Far too many.

9) Learn to play an instrument. How much cooler would the world be if everyone could play an instrument? Especially if every band could play an instrument. If everyone got into music, there would no longer be an excuse for rap or pop as everyone will have the talent required to play in a real band.

8) Go buy some good music. Suggestions: Thrice, Brand New, No Use for a Name, Taking Back Sunday, even Yellowcard (warning some of these bands have some lyrics that are unacceptable… in case some of you take this thing seriously, investigate before you buy). If every kid took this advice, there would be no need for me to constantly bring my own cds with me to prevent having to hear rap, or even worse Good Charlotte, blared all over this world.

7) Play with chalk. If I hear any complaints about this, there will be assassination… Chalk is the coolest thing in the world. For those of you who consider yourselves to be above chalk, then go to a random house and use it. Drawing pictures can be great fun… Not an artist? Write messages to those obnoxious people who walk in your neighborhood. Suggestions: “If Your Dog Craps In My Yard, I will kill you.” Sure that may seem harsh, but does that action not totally annoy any other lawn mowers? There is nothing worse than stepping in crap as you take part in an already hated activity.

6) Learn to drive… honestly, there should be no new drivers who have no clue what they are doing after summer. Here is a suggestion for practice. Align all of those bratty neighbors, who are no doubt running around wreaking havok, at random positions in the street. Fly down your street and around the corner… this will be a perfect way to learn the abilities of your brakes, and if you fail, the kids won’t be missed.

5) Road trip! Ok guys… we all know that this is the classic event of every summer. If you are too young for a true road trip, hop on your bikes and ride somewhere. This is truely old school. Parents say no? RUN AWAY! This is the all time best activity you will ever have. Never will you forget the day that you decide to run away. It will be a true adventure, however I marked it down to #5 because of the unwarranted consequences that normally follow.

4) Light random objects on fire. As a child, there was no activity that I coveted more than lighting random objects on fire. Don’t worry kids, this is perfectly safe. For maximum safety, start with Black Cats and Bottlerockets. If you wish to become a true pyrotechnic, such as myself, cut the fireworks open and fill up Playdough containers with the black powder inside. This is sure to warrant some new-found respect from the neighbors, and their pets. Don’t worry, cops are very lenient with kids and fires, especially if they can’t figure out where you live :P

3) Start a fight. It could be physical or emotional. What kind of summer is it if you didn’t have at least one good fight to reminisce of? If physical, I suggest someone random. Friends don’t make good targets, because if you get beat down, they will be able to gloat about it. Find some random kid at the mall, they are always stupid enough to fight people. Suggested targets: Any kid in or around Hot Topic, they deserve it. Any boy which is in the center of a flock of girls, they will be obligated to show their masculine strength to impress the prostitots. Benji Madden (teen icon): if anyone beats this loser, and brings his carcass to my door, I will personally hand them my wallet.

2) Pranks. Nothing beats a good prank, except for number one of course… Let’s discuss. TPing: if you aren’t going to do it right, don’t try. I want to see at least 100 rolls in use. Newspapers: People underestimate this one, but there is nothing better than waking up to 275 issues of the suburban journal in your front yard. Political/For Sale Signs: If you can collect at least five of the aforementioned signs, it is awesome to have those in a yard… especially if they are different political parties. As for more, be creative… boring, repetive pranks are not half as cool as ones with a personal touch.

1) Trogdor. I do not want any person to say that they are bored until they have successfully completed Trogdor. Yes, it does have an end : For those of you uneducated, here is a link.

Hopefully this will keep people occupied for the last week of summer, and well into the school year :)

-shraps